


Not My Memories

by Cookiemonster2000



Category: Homestuck (webcomic)
Genre: (except the karezi whoops lol), (theres too much strider angst and not enough jade angst tbh), All ships are implied and can be platonic if you so wish, Angst, Comfort, Doomed Timeline Memories, F/M, Jade Angst, Mind Control/Manipulation, Post-game PTSD, Recovery, The Fearsome Foursome - Freeform, They were just kids for god's sake
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 21:23:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14839418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cookiemonster2000/pseuds/Cookiemonster2000
Summary: Jade Harley, Grimbark extraordinaire, struggles with the aftereffects of her mind control, especially when unwanted and unneeded memories from a certain doomed timeline flood in under the guise of harmless night terrors.Thankfully, a Seer of the Mind and two Knights are ready to offer much-needed support to a girl whose past emotional grounding came from a dog.





	Not My Memories

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't found a good fic with some good old fashioned platonic support between these four yet, and that's a travesty, considering they all moved in together to rule over the troll kingdom. So this was my attempt to shove my convoluted red, black, ashen, and pale ships between these four out in the open.  
>  _OT-FOUR X COMBO!_

She was crackling with brilliant green energy, cackling with insanity and overpowering self-confidence she hadn't felt in years.

She had trusted in the clouds, and people had died. People she loved had died. She had resolved not to trust the clouds any longer.

She had been hurt and angry and terrified and betrayed by her own mind, her own surety. 

People she loved had died. 

Now, she was the one going to be doing the killing.

Leering down at her _friends_ , the people she had wanted to protect and care for and be loved and trusted and valued by, were nothing but a lowly group of pathetic whiners who had no idea what to do.

Rose was inebriated, and dependent on Kanaya for support, who looked alarmed and wary at the floating girl's sudden appearance, but not too terrified yet. Terezi was more shocked than anything else. 

Karkat and Dave, however.

Their expressions were absolutely _delicious_. 

Karkat, the troll boy who'd developed a crush on her fiery spirit, was completely frozen. This warrior, this beautiful dog-eared girl he'd been _so_ looking forward to seeing again (especially after the only other girl he'd ever loved ran off with not one, but two of his closest friends). He had looked to her memory for support and stability--she was the one he (platonically) hated the most initially, and had grown to appreciate the most over the course of the game. He went from scoffing at her confidence to marveling at her spirit in record time. He'd been dreaming of this reunion for three years, meeting her in person for three years. And seeing her like this, right in front of him, gorgeous, terrifying, destructive, angry, and _evil_ , he was shaken right down to the core. 

But as much as she appreciated Karkat's look of scared, confused disbelief, the expression mirrored onto Dave Strider's face was even better. She had always been secretly impressed with his ability to keep his emotions in check and continue onward without any expression to speak of, and to see that illusion of control shattered completely satisfied her even more than she thought it would. He was always took himself so seriously. She suspected he had always gotten _frustrated_ by her silliness, looked _down_ on her for her positivity. All the resentment she had harbored and tried to suppress within herself came spilling up, red hot, and accompanied by the delight that she'd be able to _finally_ show him how worthy she really was of his--now too-late--respect.

Dave was backing up, trying to get in front of Karkat--to protect him, perhaps? How cute--and not take his eyes off her. She didn't blame him. As she raised a hand, a cheerful smile flitted across her face, and she suddenly knew which one she'd kill, just for fun. Green energy crackled around her as she began to picture how many pieces this person would be in momentarily.

 

Jade Harley had gone grimdark and she was loving every second of it.

 

 

 

Jade Harley's eyes popped open wildly as she shot up violently in bed, tangling herself in her sheets.

Tripping and falling off the side entirely, she toppled onto the floor with a crash that she hoped didn't wake anyone else up. She clutched her throbbing head and tried to stop the tears from spilling out of her eyes by picturing happy thoughts.

Squiggles.

Stargazing with Grandpa.

Laughing with her friends at Jake on TV--

Nope, that made it worse. The flood of terror and self-disgust crashed back over her in a tidal wave and left her gasping for breath. Not them, don't think of them. Something else, something else...

Nice Davesprite memories? Confused, strong, mixed emotions hit her in the gut. Nope. Not her memories, either. It was too hard to distinguish between what was real in the dark in the middle of the night.

She felt around in her mind for something nice, something _hers_ , something not accompanied by terror, grief, hurt, resentment, anything...

She came up empty.

The green energy she didn't even realize she was glowing with faded as tears began spilling down her cheeks.

Suppressing a sob, she tried to stop thinking altogether. This was terrible, it was awful, she didn't want to think about herself, she had to think about something else, anything else. She couldn't forget, she wanted to desperately to forget.

Frustrated, she screamed into her pillow until she was out of breath.

 

 

The door creaked open.

"Jade? Are you okay?"

Horrified and humiliated, Jade shot up into a sitting position. Not one, not two, but all three of her housemates were at her bedroom door at three in the morning. Dave, the one who had spoken, was rubbing his eyes--he'd forgotten to throw on his shades-- and standing in the doorway, red checkered pajamas and all.

Terezi and Karkat were directly behind him. Terezi was leaning on Karkat for support in her giant pink t-shirt with the little chibi dinosaurs design. Karkat's hair was even messier than it usually was, and he had an arm around Terezi, but his worried--if somewhat exhausted--eyes were on Jade.

She had to say something.

A smile burst across her lips. "Oh, I'm fine, guys!" she chirped, trying to wipe her face of tears quickly. "I just had a dream, that's all."

Dave's eyebrow shot up. "Jade Harley, having a dream? Now that's unexpected."

"Oh, no _way_ was that a normal dream!" Karkat barked, voice betraying his worry. "You were sobbing loud enough for all of us to hear, and you were saying our names--"

"Dave, Karkat, shut up." Terezi's voice was low. "Jade... are you okay?"

She chose her slightly confused but still cheerful face and tilted her head. "Huh? I'm fine! It was just a little nightmare, no issues here! I'm so sorry for waking you all up with some dumb crying that didn't really mean anything. You can go back to bed, it's fine, really."

Dave's eyes were narrowed. "Don't lie to the master liars about your feelings, Harley. We know what it looks like when people hide their emotions."

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Voice crack. She needed them _out._ "Please, just go back to bed. Please."

Karkat's eyes widened. "Okay, that did _not_ sound like the Jade I know. What were you dreaming about?"

"I wasn't--it's not important!" Jade pulled the blanket around herself protectively, her voice becoming more guarded. "Guys... I really just need some sleep."

"Bullshit." Dave shook his head and stepped inside the room. "You need to talk to us. Ever since we moved here, you've been super closed-off. More than when we were kids. You gotta let it out somehow."

Her patience was wearing thin. "Dave. Do not come closer. I need sleep, not to talk. It's very rude of you all to just demand--"

"The doomed timeline, right?"

Terezi was the one who spoke. She stepped forward, out of her embrace with Karkat, and sat down on Jade's bed.

Jade recovered. "Why would I be dreaming about the doomed timeline?" she asked weakly, only realizing when the words were out of her mouth that it was an honest question.

Terezi must have realized it wasn't rhetorical, because she answered. "Now that we've won, the past timeline branches will be sorting themselves out. Sometimes memories we shouldn't actually have--experiences we never experienced--spill over into our dreams. It's a classic way for the game to torture us, even when we're supposed to be through. Giving us obligatory PTSD."

"You mean..." she stopped for a moment before plowing forward. Fuck it. "You mean, you all get them, too?"

"Get them?" Dave snorted. "I have dreams about being a feathery asshole all the damn time. Almost more than I have random-ass dreams about all the different me-s who fucking died. And, Jade, there were a _lot_ of me-s that fucking died."

They turned to Karkat, who started. "Uh, mostly I dream about the god-tier version of me. A lot about Nepeta, actually, for some reason." He scratched the back of his head bashfully. "And stuff about Gamzee. A _lot_ of mixed emotions associated with Gamzee."

Terezi scowled for a moment, then sighed. "And I dream about murderous clowns, the deaths of all my loved ones, and getting constantly dead drunk. There, we've all shared except you, Jade, so _talk_."

Jade flopped back down on her bed, closing her eyes. "Going grimbark."

"But, you went grimbark in this timeline," Dave said, half-confused, before he realized. "Oh. Ohhh."

"I didn't _stay_ grimbark in this timeline." she growled. "I didn't almost _kill_ you guys in this timeline. I was just put to sleep until I got 'better.'"

Karkat huffed. "Jade, _please_. You weren't the only one who--"

"Yes," she closed her eyes, her voice utterly defeated, "I was. I was angry and evil and it wasn't mind-control, it was _me_ , it was all me and what I wanted and serving the Condesce. And I hated you, all of you. I wanted to make you _hurt,_ because I was hurt, because nothing mattered, because I could. I was the worst. I am the worst, I'm too dangerous and not good enough, and it'd be better for all of you if I was--"

_Slap!_

Jade raised a hand to her stinging cheek, and looked into the dull, red, tear-streaming eyes of Terezi Pyrope. The girl was glaring and furious and rubbing her hand because _damn,_ that hurt.

"Shut," she said clearly, "the _fuck_ up. You're _wrong_. You're a complete and total idiot."

"Yes, I--"

"No, you're an idiot if you think you don't matter or if you're useless or 'too dangerous' or anything like that. You need to stop and shut up right now."

"You shouldn't--"

"Shoosh." Terezi clapped her hand over Jade's mouth, furious. "You deserve love and hugs and kisses and _everything_ good, and I'm not letting you talk about my dear friend Jade that way."

"Dear friend?"

"Dearest friend." Terezi laughed through her tears. "I missed out by not talking to you at all before, moving in with you guys was the best thing ever to happen to me."

"No, it was the best thing to happen to _m--_ "

"Shoosh!"

Jade felt a body press against hers and flinched instinctively. She opened her eyes to see Terezi, arms wrapped around her, head resting on her shoulder. After a moment, Jade returned the hug, bringing her arms up around Terezi's neck and burying her face in the troll girl's black, messy hair. She felt a subtle, gentle patting on her back, and almost melted.

"Uh..." Karkat, still in the hallway, cleared his throat. "Terezi, you're being really forward--"

"Can it, Karkles." she snapped. "We're having a moment."

After an awkward moment, Dave sat down, too. Opting for minimal touching, he simply took Jade's hand and squeezed it gently.

"You know we're here for you, Harley," he said, failing to suppress the emotion behind his words. "You don't have to worry about what you could have done--"

"What I wanted to do? To you?" 

Dave's head snapped up. "I _know_ what you wanted to do to me, then, because you _told_ me. You tried to fight me. You threatened me, you threw the fucking Mayor into lava, Jade, did you remember that part of the timeline?"

She hadn't. She had no words.

"Did you also know that I died for you, anyway?" His voice cracked.

"You... What?" she asked, still hugging Terezi, his words honestly not registering in her brain.

"I came to try to help with the shitty, disorganized mess that was that battle, but when I showed up, you were dead, and all rational thought went out the window like that fucking crow I killed, remember? You were dead and all that mattered was bringing you back. I yelled at those goddamn stupid dogs that ran away with you. I chased them to your quest bed, they thought you'd come back to life there, even though you were already god tier? Stupid dogs. I had to bring you back to Jane, cause, you know, she wanted to bring you back to life, and even if you were evil, and grimbark, and crazy, it didn't matter if you were another enemy because you were Jade, and you couldn't just die. I couldn't just let you be dead. So I fought the lousy stupid goddamn dogs for your body, and they killed me, and I didn't regret anything except the fact that I couldn't save you, because I only realized how much you mattered when you were gone."

Dave was part of the hug now, too, and he was trying--and failing--not to cry. He pressed his cheek up against hers and squeezed his eyes shut.

"So," he finished, his voice husky, "don't you even _begin_ to say you're too dangerous or not important or some shit like that, because that would be undermining my--his--death, and that ain't cool at all, right? You calling me stupid? You think I'd die for somebody who didn't matter?"

She didn't answer, only cried harder.

Karkat was standing in the doorway, red tears flowing freely and unashamedly down his face. "I agree with the shitstain," he said simply, sniffling loudly.

"C'mere, Karkles." Terezi said soothingly. "Hugs help."

He shook his head rapidly, crying harder.

Even though her head was still buried in Jade's shoulder facing the opposite direction, Terezi's voice became sharp and clear. "Karkat Vantas, you idiotic loudmouth garbage can of a matesprit, get over here _right now_ and hug this dog-girl."

"Well, when you put it that way..."

Karkat awkwardly draped his arms around the trio, and was rewarded by a tight arm around his middle from both Dave on one side and Terezi on the other. Jade and Karkat's faces were about three inches away, and he blushed.

"Jeez, your face is messy," Jade noted.

"Shut the fuck up, yours's no better!" he snapped, sniffing.

"Both of you shut up," Dave's exasperated voice came. "We're trying to be supportive here. If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all."

"All right," Karkat said angrily, "how about this? Jade, you're the first person who got me to realize how dumb arguing with myself was. Even though we only talked for like one day when we first met, you made such a strong, good impression on me that I couldn't wait to see you again, I couldn't stop thinking about you that first year, I was so pissed off that we got stuck with Lalonde and Dave instead of you and John-- no offense, Dave."

"None taken, bro. We were both pricks back then."

"You're the one who slapped me back to reality and caused me to get my shit together for real. I really, really liked you, Jade, I missed you and I wanted you to come back. When you were evil, I was scared, sure, but mostly I just wanted to fix you, to help you. I was pissed as hell, but it was because I thought you were better than that! And you _are_!" he said hastily as Jade's head dropped, "You were influenced by the Batterwitch, it's not your fucking fault your conscience got removed!"

Jade thought that she had run out of tears to cry, but nope, here were plenty more. She sobbed and pressed her face into Karkat's shirt.

"We love you, Jade." Terezi said seriously.

"We love you." Dave added.

Karkat nodded, face contorted with emotion into a pathetic, wet mess. "What they said."

There was silence for a few minutes while the kids just hugged and cried quietly on one another.

.

.

Then there was a snore.

Dave, despite himself, cracked up. "She's okay."

"She's okay?" Terezi's mouth contorted into a question mark. "How do you know?"

"She's asleep." he said unnecessarily.

"She sleeps all the fucking time, Dave, you shitsponge, what difference does that make?" Karkat snapped.

"She's comfortable." he said simply.

Slowly, they all stepped back from the sleeping Jade. Dave, ignoring Karkat's expression, tucked her in gently.

"What time is it?" he asked.

Terezi sniffed her watch. A huge, shit-eating grin spread across her lips. "It's four--"

"Four thirteen, whatever, we get it, you love the blind prophets!" Karkat snapped. "Let's go back to bed."

"It's actually four twenty, but that's a pretty sweet number, too." she said simply, heading out of the room and ignoring Karkat's (quiet) rage.

.

.

.

YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU DISLIKE YOURSELF. OK?

TH3R3 4R3 P3OPL3 WHO C4R3 4BOUT YOU V3RY, V3RY MUCH.

dont stress about small stuff. shit might get worse but it also might get better.

everything might not be okay now... but thats ok!! it will be, eventually. you just have to be patient. don't get too caught up in yourself. don't be too focused on other people. don't work too hard. don't stop working altogether! drink water. hang out with friends. read a book. go for a walk. you're going to be ok. smile! we love you! :D <3

**Author's Note:**

> Pretty pathetic ending, I know, but I couldn't think of anything else to write afterwards. Maybe I'll do a follow-up oneshot? Who knows.


End file.
